When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
It's never just a game when you're winning.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
My friend Tom sent me this one: