The Pitcha very short story “Tell him the idea.”
“OK. Here goes… It’s like
I Spy meets
To Catch a Thief meets
The Matrix meets
Kill Bill… but with ninjas.”
“Tell him how it works.”
“Imagine George Clooney as an international tennis bum; he plays in the international circuit, and he travels the world with his assistant, Chris Rock – or Ving Rhames – but both of them are really US secret agents who get assignments that coincide with George Clooney’s tennis playing.”
“OK, that’s the
I Spy part; tell him the rest.”
“Well… when George Clooney was a little kid his father worked for the US government, maybe as a soldier, or maybe as a spy too… anyway, when he was a little kid his dad’s unit was ambushed by a bunch of communist ninjas and they were all killed. Then, this one ninja was sent to kill the family of the main army guy….”
“…George Clooney’s dad.’
“Right, but when he went there....”
“…the ninja guy.”
“Right, when the ninja guy goes there he sees the woman and the little kid, he ends up falling in love with the guy’s widow….”
“…Little Clooney’s mom.”
“Right… let me tell it.”
“OK, sorry.”
“The ninja guy falls in love with Little Clooney’s mom and befriends the family and ends up marrying her and becomes Little Clooney’s step-dad. He has to battle a bunch of other ninjas who are sent to kill him because he disobeyed the order to kill Little Clooney and his mom. So Little Clooney’s step-dad has a big fight scene where Little Clooney sees him kill all the other ninjas….”
“…because he’s, like, the
greatest ninja.”
“Right.”
“The White Ninja!”
“Yeah, plus that’s how you can follow him in the fight with all the black ninjas. So later the step-dad teaches all his awesome ninja skills to Little Clooney, which we see in this montage as Little Clooney grows up into Teenage Clooney and then finally into the real George Clooney.”
“But the real George Clooney still doesn’t know that his ninja step-dad killed his real dad.”
“Right. So, anyway, George Clooney’s awesome ninja skills also make him a great tennis player. We’ll have another montage where it cuts from a ninja exercise to a tennis exercise where, like, in one shot he’s practicing moves with a ninja sword and in the next he’s doing the same moves with a tennis racket.”
“
Eye of the Tiger.”
“What? No…. Shut up.”
“Sorry.”
“So, after the back story is set, the movie opens with George Clooney winning a tough tennis match with a series of perfect serves.
Bam! Bam! Bam! Ace! Ace! Ace! And then, back at the hotel, his partner, who is like, a total expert with all kinds of explosives and electronics, is picking out stuff he needs while George Clooney is putting on his ninja clothes. Then they go to some bad guy’s big estate that’s like a fortress with all kinds of guards and electronic stuff and guard dogs and George Clooney is, like, almost invisible, scaling the wall and using a blow gun and throwing stars to take out the first batch of guards. We see Chris Rock….”
“…or Ving Rhames.”
“Right, or Ving Rhames, throwing what we think is, like, a grenade at two guard dogs, but it’s really a lump of burger that the dogs eats and then fall over, asleep. Then we see George Clooney between two guards, who don’t know he’s there, use two nunchucks to knock them both out….
WHIP! WAP! WAP! THUD! THUD! Anyway, this is all like in the intro, before the credits, and it ends with George Clooney getting the stuff – papers, a computer thing, whatever….”
“The MacGuffin.”
“The what?”
“It’s what Hitchcock… never mind.”
“Anyway… as the credits end, George Clooney is romancing some babe….”
“…because, you know, he’s George Clooney.”
“…and his partner comes in and says something so George Clooney knows their contact has arrived with their new assignment and he ditches the babe and their contact comes in with some high tech thing that looks like a portable DVD player crossed with a toaster that displays info on their new mission. And just then… the window glass suddenly
explodes as someone shoots the contact, who falls dead on the carpet.”
“It’s awesome.”
“Yeah, the glass just shatters and a couple more shots are taken at George Clooney and Chris Rock, and George Clooney does this Neo-in-
The Matrix-slow-mo-ninja bullet dodge move as Chris Rock gets this rifle with this high tech scope that follows the trajectory of the incoming bullets and shoots and the camera follows his bullet right back to the source…
SWACK! Dead bad guy!”
“It’s GREAT!”
“Then George Clooney looks out the window and sees a bunch of cop cars pulling up to the hotel so Chris Rock picks the lock on the door separating their suite from the suite next door where no one is home and they stash all their super spy and ninja gear in there while the police arrive to interrogate the tennis pro and his assistant about the dead guy on their carpet. As this goes on, George Clooney notices one of his ninja throwing stars on the floor and puts his foot over it. Then, silently communicating to Chris Rock….”
“…because, like, they are in that
über perfect buddy movie sync.”
“…in one smooth movement Chris Rock opens a drawer to get their passports for the police and – as he closes it – George Clooney reaches down, picks up the star….”
“…the shuriken.”
“Right, picks up the throwing star and flicks it into the drawer where
THWACK! it sticks to the wood at the back of the drawer a
split second before the drawer closes.”
“This will be cool.”
“This will be
very cool. OK… next, when they break back into the suite next door to retrieve their stuff the beautiful woman who’s suite room it is suddenly returns and catches them. She recognizes George Clooney because she was there to watch the tennis tournament, and now she thinks he’s a jewel thief like Cary Grant in
To Catch a Thief….”
“…only with ninjas.”
“Right, only Cary Grant is a secret spy ninja.”
“Ninja secret agent tennis pro.”
“Right. So the girl in the Grace Kelly part….”
“Catherine Zeta Jones, or Rene Zellweger.”
“Yeah, she’s like, a bored rich divorcee, and she’s attracted to George Clooney….”
“…because he’s, you know, George Clooney.”
“…and they let her believe that they’re international jewel thieves and when they invite her to accompany them on their next job she’s, like, so excited she starts negotiating for a bigger cut!”
“She’s like,
‘I want a third….’”
“And Chris Rock is like,
‘A third? Are you crazy? She’s crazy!’”
“And, with their new cover as jet-setting international tennis playing jewel thieves, the three are on their way to… Japan.”
“Right, Japan. Now it cuts to a wide shot of Tokyo at night, lit up like a Christmas tree.”
“Do they do Christmas in Japan?”
“What…? It doesn’t matter… anyway, the three of them check into their hotel and George Clooney and Chris Rock send Catherine Zeta Jones….”
“Or Rene Zellweger….”
“…out on some errand which gives them time alone to go over the mission info the guy who got shot gave them.”
“Right. Their target is this old Japanese guy who heads up a special Yakuza assassination squad about which next to nothing is known. His head of security is an ex-Special Forces turned mercenary with a taste for beautiful brunettes….”
“…I thought I was telling it?”
“OK, you tell it, sorry.”
“Right, OK, so, so they find the guys estate, it’s like a fortress up in the mountains. When they scope it out with a high-tech telescope and what do you think they see? A courtyard filled with ninjas in training!
‘Whoa!”
“Chris Rock looks at George Clooney who is looking at the courtyard full of ninjas and says,
‘So… what do you know about that.’”
“And as a last shot of the courtyard of ninjas fades to black we hear
Ba-da-da-da-da-da—dum-dum-da!”
“The first nine notes of
Kung-Fu Fighting….”
“Which is, like, ironic reference number twenty-seven.”
“Twenty-seven?”
“It’s an estimate.”
“OK, now we fade back up and we’re at a table in an expensive restaurant. The three of them are there, making small talk and veiled references to their plans; Catherine Zeta Jones still thinks that George Clooney is there to steal jewels or something. When she leaves to go to the powder room, Chris Rock and George Clooney argue about bringing her along, but George Clooney tells Chris Rock he thinks she’ll play an important part in their plan, but before he can elaborate she returns to the table.”
“
Dun-DUNNNN! The suspense builds!”
“After dinner they stroll back to the hotel and take a short path through a small park where….”
“…more ninjas?”
“
More ninjas!!! This time, as the attack begins we switch to a Ninja George Clooney perspective… everything is quiet and in a kind of slow motion that’s inter-cut with bits in real time and really loud – back and forth…. Ninja George Clooney senses the attack and – in slo-mo – reaches in front of Catherine Zeta Jones’ face and – in real time – he snatches an arrow or a ninja dart, like, an inch from her face. Now Chris rock reacts in slo-mo surprise as two ninjas come at them. Ninja George Clooney pushes Catherine Zeta Jones behind him and, with kicks and punches, totally kung-fu’s those two ninjas as, Chris Rock, standing directly in front of Catherine Zeta Jones, reaches into his jacket, brings out a .32 caliber semi-automatic with a silencer – all in silent slo-mo – and points right at Catherine Zeta Jones, who reacts – in silent slo-mo – with horror, and then – switching back to real time – the camera racks focus and we see the third ninja standing right behind her, he’s got some kind of weapon, and
FSSSSSST! Chris Rock gets off one silenced round that hits the ninja right between the eyes.”
“It’s awesome!”
“Yeah, the last thing we see in this sequence is Catherine Zeta Jones, hands still up around her face, trying to process all the information.”
“She’s seriously freaked out.”
“Yeah, and now we’re back at the hotel and she’s up in George Clooney’s face saying,
‘Ninjas!? There were freakin’ ninjas!!!’”
“She’s
totally flipping out.”
“
’You’re not here to steal stuff… are you?’”
“She asks.”
“And then we have the scene where George Clooney comes clean and they show her some high tech stuff and they try to convince her to help them out. She hesitates, and Chris Rock says,
‘Would you do it for your country?’”
“Catherine Zeta Jones looks at him, waits a beat, and says, coolly,
‘I’m from Wales.’ Another beat, and Chris Rock, slightly confused but with a look of understanding passing over his face, says…
‘Then do it… for the whales.’”
So we cut to the bad guy’s fortress and Catherine Zeta Jones….”
“They convinced her.”
“…drives up to the front gate in a drop-dead gorgeous blue Bentley convertible. She’s wearing an evening gown and there’s an open bottle of Champagne in an ice bucket on the passenger’s seat.”
“And… she’s lost.”
“
And her car and her dress are covered with various high-tech devices that send info back to George Clooney and Chris Rock. The Bentley is sending back high-res pictures of the inside of the compound as well as infrared showing the location of guards inside the house.”
“And inside the house at the moment the Bad Special Forces Guy is starting to put the moves on Catherine Zeta Jones.”
“Now the sun is going down, it’s dusk. And George Clooney, dressed in a gray ninja outfit, enters the grounds and dispatches two guards allowing Chris Rock to enter behind him. Chris Rock wears this high-tech eyepiece that shows him a read out from the Bentley cameras; he’s also carrying a bag with a bunch of high-tech explosives that he starts putting in various places. This builds up to a big scene where explosions rock the barracks, blowing up most of the ninjas. George Clooney has a number of quick, yet impressive, ninja fights as he works his way into the house where the Bad Special Forces Guy holds a gun on Catherine Zeta Jones. At some point, George Clooney take off his ninja mask and, when he does, a flash of recognition passes over the Bad Special Forces Guy’s face. At the end of their fight, the Bad Special Forces Guy shoots Catherine Zeta Jones….”
“She’s just wounded.”
“But,
mortally wounded by George Clooney’s sword, the Bad Special Forces Guy laughs, coughs, and tells George Clooney to look for the
Hiroshi file… and dies.”
“
Hmmmm…. I wonder what the
Hiroshi file has in it?”
“Chris Rock tells George Clooney the place is going to blow sky high and they have to get out, but George Clooney heads upstairs to the old guy’s office where he finds the old guy has committed seppuku….”
“Hari kari….”
“…offed himself, is dead. In the next sequence we cut between shots of: Chris Rock getting the wounded Catherine Zeta Jones back to the car – George Clooney in the old guy’s office – Chris Rock shooting two of the last guards – George Clooney looking at the
Hiroshi file – Chris Rock looking at his watch with great concern – a flashback to the killing of George Clooney’s father superimposed over a close up of George Clooney’s face – Chris Rock loading a magazine into his pistol with color-tipped bullets – a flashback of George Clooney’s ninja step-dad being given the orders to kill Little George Clooney and Little George Clooney’s mom – Chris Rock shooting at the closed front gates as he drives at them – a flashback of Little George Clooney watching his white ninja step-dad fight the black ninjas – the fortress gates exploding – a look of grim understanding on George Clooney’s face – the Bentley barreling through the space where the gates were – and then, the fortress
explodes in an enormous series of blasts and fireballs!”
“Wow! Did George Clooney make it?”
“As the Bentley goes around a corner we see… George Clooney standing on the side of the road, in his gray ninja outfit, his head bowed in thought.”
“I
knew he’d make it.”
“Act Three…. George Clooney and Chris Rock at Catherine Zeta Jones’ hospital bedside. She wakes up, Chris Rock excuses himself, George Clooney and Catherine Zeta Jones have a moment, and she asks if he could ever leave his secret ninja life. He says yes, but he has one last thing he has to do; they kiss….”
“And we cut to….”
“…George Clooney getting out of a sleek sports car and walking up the front walk to the porch of his childhood home. Inside, he and his step-dad have a quiet conversation, during which there’s a passing reference to George Clooney’s mom having passed away some years back.”
“Because my mom would ask the movie screen where she is.”
“Finally, George Clooney places the
Hiroshi file on the table in front of his step-dad who looks slowly up at George Clooney.”
“Then…”
“…with lightning speed, George Clooney draws a knife and slashes at his step-dad who, with equal speed, leans back in his chair to dodge the strike, produces a knife of his own and blocks the attack. Both knives are driven
SWACK! into the wood of the table top. And neither man’s eyes have left the other’s.”
“Cut to….”
“The courtyard of the home at dusk. George Clooney’s step-dad stands in a white ninja outfit, George Clooney stands ready in a blood red one.”
“It’s
O-Ren Ishii versus
The Bride in the courtyard at the end of
Kill Bill 1. But, with George Clooney.”
“During the fight, George Clooney is cut two or three times, but, because his ninja suit is the same color, it isn’t noticed by his step-dad who – it is obvious to all of us – is still the superior fighter. As their swords cross, they talk about what happened all those years ago. As they fight neither man can gain an advantage, but we see blood on the ground and know it is George Clooney’s. After a pass, George Clooney’s step-dad sees a splash of blood on his white costume. He realizes George Clooney is wounded and increases the ferocity of his attack. He tells George Clooney that he can’t beat him because he has never understood
sacrifice….”
“A look flashes across George Clooney’s face, and then.…”
“George Clooney makes what appears to be an awkward and desperate thrust with his right arm….”
“And….”
“George Clooney’s step-dad chops off George Clooney’s right hand! We see the blade, in the hand, move in slow motion across the screen, spurting blood….”
“Tastefully….”
“…behind it.”
“And.…”
“The slo-mo shifts back into real time with a cut to a tight two shot and we hear a kind of gasp, grunt, and we see a look of total surprise on George Clooney’s step-dad’s face; George Clooney has a short sword in his left hand that is now deeply imbedded into his step-dad’s chest.”
“The white ninja looks at George Clooney.…”
“And dies.”
“Fade to black.…”
“And fade up to the sidelines on a tennis court where George Clooney is standing by an equipment bag. He has a metal hook-like device at the end of his right arm. The shot widens and Chris Rock tells him,
‘Try the white one.’ George Clooney takes the hook thing off his arm and snaps in place this prosthetic hand gripping a tennis racket.”
“Awesome!”
“He looks at it and it switches quickly between backhand and forehand positions with a little mechanical sound. George Clooney smiles and looks up, and sitting in the first row of the stands is… Catherine Zeta Jones, smiling back at him, and she says,
‘Go get him, darling.’”
“And we pull out, up, a helicopter shot, slow enough to see George Clooney go to the line and fire off an ace and then we’re moving away, over blue water and beaches….”
“Roll credits… the end.”
“An action martial arts James Bond 60s TV series revival with a touch of Cary Grant meets Keanu Reeves buddy movie.”
“
The Defiant Ones, with romance.”
“And ninjas.”
“And ninjas.”
“It’s the perfect buddy movie vehicle for George Clooney and Chris Rock.”
“Or Ving Rhames.”
“Right… or Ving Rhames.”
